Cheap cheesy and somewhat crap TV ads for Admiral?
SHAME ON YOU!
Are you that strapped for cash? Has the Benecol money run out already?
What is the world coming to....
Everything Else: February 2004 Archives
I don't normally post up many jokes here, but this one from Judi made me laugh outloud, when I read it. Aside from therefore making me look and feel like a madman, it also means that it must be good enough to share!
Little David was in his 3rd grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. ...
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
...why if they could buiild the Empire State Building from scratch in 13 months, it takes 9 months for them to repair the escalator at my nearest tube station?
"Well we can't get the parts mate" is not a satisfactory answer Guvnor.
Smashie and Nicey briefly reformed to front The Ultimate Pop Star (C4 Sun 22 Feb 04 9pm). The list, based on UK record sales for the period 1952-2004, was designed to discover the ultimate pop act. Top Ten below - try to conceal your laughter at the number one... I mean he was big rock and roll star man...
10 David Bowie
9 Paul McCartney
8 Abba
7 Queen
6 Michael Jackson
5 Elton John
4 Madonna
3 Elvis Presley
2 The Beatles
1 Cliff Richard
I only came across this today, but it's very funny - a site dedicated to 52 year old Brian Whiley from "pioneering Hull" as he strives to become the next Chairman of the BBC.
Brian's obviously got it sorted - his five point plan (which actually has eight bullet points) includes having 'Hutton the Hamster' co-present Today and introducing interactivity to Newsnight Review where bored views can choose to take the show off air and replace it with Only Fools and Horses instead.
More here.
Overheard on the tube this morning:
"Mummy - are we at St Pancakes yet?"
"It's not St Pancakes darling, it's St Pancras"
Child looks confused then pipes up: "Yes, but are we there yet?"
I feel a Jif Lemon Sponsorship deal in the making...
Tired and jet lagged, but photos from NYNY now up and in Colo(u)r, Black and White - as well as a few quirky signs and a few random others.
Enjoy!
Notes and recollections to follow....
Fans of Jasper Carrot will remember that he used to do a sketch at the end of his live act featuring the most OTT insurance claims imaginable. However when it comes to insurance scams and suing the arse off people, nobody does it better than the Yanks. To prove this point - here some nice examples kindly sent to me by my brother Sean.
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5th place (Tied)
A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson, of Austin Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's Son.
5th place (Tied)
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.
5th place (Tied)
Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage door. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place
Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbour's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd place
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms.Walton was trying to crawl in through the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place
This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a new Winnebago motorhome. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor Home. NB: Apparantly, the company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles. Nice.
Gone shopping in New York.
Back Tuesday.
D
Many thanks to Jo for passing this on - brilliant!
More top stuff from our friends at the Media Guardian. Here's a list of the words UK audiences find most offensive.
Interesting to note the large percentage of people who are not offended by racial terms and language. I'm not surprised at this, but I am slightly worried about it...
Thanks to the Media Guardian for this transcript - ably showing the impartiality of the Murdoch press and the breadth of their vocabulary...
"The British Broadcasting Corporation was forced to pay up for its blatant anti-Americanism before and during the Iraq war. A frothing-at-the-mouth anti-Americanism that was obsessive, irrational and dishonest.
The BBC - the 'Beeb' - was one of the worst offenders in the British press because it felt entitled not only to pillory Americans and George W Bush, but because it felt entitled to lie. And when caught lying, it felt entitled to defend its lying reporters and executives.
The incident involved the reporter Andrew Gilligan who made a fool of himself in Baghdad when the American invasion actually arrived in the Iraqi capital. Gilligan, pro-Iraqi and anti-American, insisted on the air that the Iraqi army was heroically repulsing an incompetent American military. Video from our own Greg Kelly of the American army moving through Baghdad at will put the light to that.
After the war, back in London, Gilligan got a guy named David Kelly to tell him a few things about pre-war assessments on Iraq's weapons' programmes. And Gilligan exaggerated about what Kelly had told him.
Kelly committed suicide over the story and the BBC, far from blaming itself, insisted its reporter had a right to lie, exaggerate, because, well, the BBC knew the war was wrong and anything it could say to underscore that point had to be right.
The British government investigation slammed the BBC Wednesday and a Beeb exec resigned to show they got it. But they don't. So the next time you hear the BBC bragging about how much superior the Brits are delivering the news rather than Americans who wear flags in their lapels, remember it was the Beeb caught lying."
Remember Rainbow? Sure you do. Well like the makers of Captain Pugwash, the Rainbow team occassionally had fun deploying some fairly blatant innuendos on their show.
The transcript below is probably about as genuine as the Jimmy Saville transciprts from HIGNFY but I'm happy to be proved wrong if anyone remember this alleged episode. Anyway, read and enjoy!
**************************************************
The show opens with Zippy peeling a banana ...
Zippy: "One skin, two skin, three skin, four"
George: "Zippy, where is Bungle?"
Zippy: "I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"
We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.
Bungle: "Geoffrey, I can't get it in"
Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"
Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the other way. Ooooooh, I've got it in"
Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit.
Bungle: "Would you stick this on the shelf, George"
George: "I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself.
Geoffrey (to camera) "Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"
Bungle: "Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"
Geoffrey: "Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"
George: "Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?
Bungle: "Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger?
Zippy: "Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."
Bungle: "It's my plucking instrument."
Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle?
Zippy: "I can, I'm the best plucker here."
George: "And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?"
Zippy: "Well of course it is, your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."
Geoffrey: "Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."
Bungle: (excited) "Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Freddy can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."
Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.
Freddy: "We could hear you all banging away"
Rod: "Banging can be fun."
Jane: "Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddy."
Freddy: ( looking sad ) "Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."
Rod: (to Jane) "Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"
Jane: "Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you like to play with my maracas?
Zippy; "No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."
George: "Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."
Zippy: "I've got a big red one."
George: "I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it."
Geoffrey: (to viewers) "Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song."
Everyone in studio: "Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all day...."
